I hate this spider-crab thing so much I wish I could kill it in real life

In the wake of the announcement of Metroid Dread, coming to the Nintendo Switch later this year, I decided to play as many of the 2D Metroid games as I could stomach, skipping only the notoriously frustrating first two titles in favor of their more recent remakes. I think, at the beginning of this daunting task, I intended to write something about Metroid, and maybe I still will eventually. For now, though, I don’t think I can write about anything except for how much I despise this spider from Metroid Fusion.

I Googled it, and apparently this spider’s name is “Yakuza,” which is fitting because I think he is exactly as morally reprehensible as the legendary organized crime syndicates in real-life Japan. I know how to kill this thing, I know all its patterns, and it still will not stop finding new and creative ways to end my life. I’ve been on this single boss fight for two hours. I am filled with perhaps more rage than ever before in my history of playing video games.

Why, Sakamoto-san, does Yakuza need to be able to grab me and instantaneously drain two entire energy tanks? Why can I only attack him from the specific location where he is going to drop fire on my head and kill me? Why did you put Yakuza in this otherwise perfectly lovely video game? Is it because you hate me, personally? I can only assume it’s because you hate me, personally.

I hate Yakuza so much I wish he was real so I could shoot him with a real-life gun and actually kill him. Yakuza is my worst enemy, and I will never have the catharsis of knowing that he is truly defeated. Anyone who starts a new game of Metroid Fusion for the rest of time will give new life to Yakuza, and new purpose to my eternal goal of destroying Yakuza, the funny spider from Metroid.

Metroid Fusion is a pretty good game, and one of the better entries in the franchise.

I probably like talking about video games more than I like playing them.